Never…

Best video so far this year! Just got sent this via K8.

Credit to Tim Hawkins

SCOTLAND DIES LAUGHING

Most would have been dead within minutes

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture. Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: “We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace.”

He added: “In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.

“It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over.”

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: “I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm. “He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet.”

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

And after that, the news just got better: BBC Sport News

I may be a woman, but I am aware of just how many crap woman drivers are out there… Enjoy this video of some really bad driving, set to an alternative version of the “Sheila’s Wheels” advert theme tune.

I think this is how Twenty got his black eye, it was all Throatripper’s fault…

Have fun with this Steve Ballmer dress-up game - can you get Steve ready to go trick-or-treating?

In one of my previous residences, we had what I considered to be the most unusual answering machine message ever. People would regularly call the house to sell us something, hear the message and then call back a few mins later with all their colleagues listening in (yes, we did screen our calls a lot).

Listen here: Our old answering machine message

I was reminded of this today when I came across some other funny answering machine messages:

Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I’ll call you, cause you called me.
We’re the ______ family.
So leave your name and number at the tone.
Sorry that we’re not at home.

“Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we’ll assimilate you as soon as we can.”

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is “The Twilight Phone”

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I’ve got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Roses are red, booger’s are green, please leave your message on this stupid machine.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

And in case you are wondering, my current answering machine message (yes, we still get a lot of wrong numbers, but this seems to dissuade a lot of them!):

“Greetings Earthlings, we believe you know what you’re supposed to do after the beep!”

David Letterman, wearing a suit of 3400 Alka Seltzers is dipped into a tank of water - what must the studio have smelt like? Was this the origin of the Diet Coke and Mentos idea?

Now what happens if you put Alka-Seltzer into water when you’re in zero gravity? The answer is a couple of minutes into this informative video…

And to follow that, one of the best Diet Coke and Mentos experiments videos that I’ve seen: